‘It’s good to talk’ but are you REALLY listening?
You’re probably familiar with the adages “it’s good to talk”, “a problem shared is a problem halved” and “two heads are better than one”. Most of us would like to think we’re ‘that person’ who friends, family members or colleagues reach out to for help when they’re struggling with some aspect of their lives. And we probably also think that we’re great listeners, we have lots of life experience and give great advice.
All of this might be true, yet most of us listen to reply - not listen to understand. We can also get caught up in our own perspectives, opinions and our need to be helpful, so that we forget about the other and what they actually need.:
How can you show someone that they can trust you with their vulnerability?
How do you help someone to feel like they’re being heard and understood?
How do you create space for someone to ask for what they need?
Two more adages come to mind. “You are never too old to learn” and “practice makes perfect” :)
Here are 3 pointers that can help you show your loved ones that you care about them and are here to help in whatever way they need.
Be present: If someone has reached out and wants to talk, or has dropped by your office and is clearly distressed, give them your full attention. How can you be present and show you’re worthy of someone's trust, if you’re cooking or doing another task, have kids or other people around you, or are staring at your laptop/phone when they walk in and sit down? If you can’t give them your presence at that moment, let them know. “I can see/hear you’re in need of support. I’d like to give you my full attention, but can’t right now so can we meet/talk in 30 minutes when I can be more present please?” When you do talk or meet, make eye contact, nod your head, and make sounds like “umm hmm, yep” to let them know you’re actively listening.
Practice empathy: It’s in our human nature to find ways to connect with someone and show them we understand what they’re going through. We tend to do this by sharing our own stories of a similar experience. That’s not what they need. Try and imagine what it feels like to be them. They’re going through a troubling time, are probably feeling a flurry of overwhelming emotions and need space to express themselves. Be curious and help them to feel like you’re interested by asking open ended questions. “Help me to understand what’s happening?” “Tell me more about that?” “What was going through your mind at the time?” “How did that make you feel?” “How are you feeling now?”
Ask them what they need: Although this is not your intention, it can feel really patronising to be given advice you didn’t ask for. Unsolicited advice can make someone feel like you’re judging them. It also undermines their ability to listen to and trust their own wisdom. So unless someone specifically asks you for their advice or guidance, try to hold back from sharing your opinion about what happened, what they could do differently, or how they could fix the problem. Instead, simply ask the question “What do you need?” “What will support you?” “How can I help you?” If they don’t know what they need at that moment, that’s ok too. What’s important is that they feel understood and trust they can reach out to you when needed.
It’s always good to talk, and it’s even better to listen.